Some people reckon that coppers are married to their jobs. Then again, who isn’t? I certainly feel like I’m married to my job.
Put simply, it hasn’t turned out the way I expected it to. To start with it was interesting and even exciting but, after several years of performing in largely the same position, I’m beginning to think that it’s probably not worth all the effort I’m expected to put in for so little return. My duties and responsibilities have gradually increased far beyond anything I’d originally anticipated, and my role is considerably less attractive than when I first took it on – indeed, to be perfectly frank, the breadth of what I have to deal with is almost overwhelming at times. Even when I think I’m getting on top of it, I often end up struggling beneath the load just to pay lip service to fulfilling the weight of expectations.
Nonetheless, I continue go through the same routine day in, day out – suffering occasional complaints about the lacklustre quality of my input – when, in truth, I can barely be bothered anymore. Sure, I’ll put in a token display of effort, trying to appear enthusiastic, but my heart simply isn’t in it like it was in the old days.
It’s just habit that drives me in the end, I suspect – I seldom pay any real attention and, recently, I’ve started to fool around when I think no-one’s looking. After all, the chance of new openings becoming available is dwindling and I rarely get to do anything a bit different or unusual which might maintain my interest; so, naturally, I take advantage of any chance of a brief distraction whenever it’s presented to me.
If I’m honest, I probably ought to look for somewhere more fulfilling or engaging, but I’ve been plugging away in the same place for so long now that I’m not sure whether I can face the idea of searching around, given the potential that I might merely end up in the same situation again in a few years’ time. I guess I’m stuck in a rut – it looks like my future’s in a hole.
Not that finding somewhere else would be easy, of course. Sure, there appear to be other places out there that I could happily slot into, but my age has started to count against me and, anyway, it isn’t so easy to get out there for appraisals without the boss getting suspicious. Then there are contractual obligations – and the price of breaking those is quite prohibitive, even for moonlighting – so I fear that I may have to just keep on doing what I’m used to and take the opportunity to find distraction and relief on the internet whenever I know that I’m not being watched.